


Eternity

by sweetbaby_1D



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Drinking, Drugs, Homophobia, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-19
Updated: 2014-08-06
Packaged: 2018-01-25 16:50:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1655582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetbaby_1D/pseuds/sweetbaby_1D
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Promise me forever?"<br/>"I promise you eternity."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1. Finally

**Author's Note:**

> This book contains boyxboy material, lots of swearing, depression, homophobic behaviour and demeaning language, depicitons of violence, mentions of drug use and drinking, and suicidal thoughts and actions, as well as character death.
> 
> This book will contain plenty of offensive language and actions. THERE IS A TRIGGER WARNING! If you are easily affected, bothered, or triggered, then this story is not for you and I do not advise reading.
> 
> Please note, I do not condon any of the behavior displayed in this story, and I am not a homophobe! It is simply for the plot of the story.
> 
> Read at your own risk. But do be careful.
> 
> Good luck.

Zayn clenches his eyes tight, tears rolling down his cheeks and cries of despair and pain coming from his mouth. In the back of his mind, he wonders,  _what type of parents could do this to their own son?_

He can’t tell if the bigger pain is in his body, or his heart. The multiple hits form the thick leather belt in his dad’s powerful arms hurt almost as bad as the rude words coming from his mom as she encouraged her husband.

If he had to choose, he’d say his heart, because a mother is supposed to love and protect her son unconditionally, not add to the pain he was already feeling. He could never understand, why did they hate him so much now? They’d been knowing he was gay for at least two years, since he was 15.

_~~ FLASHBACK (age 15) ~~_

_“Mom, dad. I have something to tell you guys.” Zayn murmured, unable to control the quivering in his voice and the shaking in his body. His parents looked up, smiling big, beckoning him into the living room._

_Zayn took a deep breath, standing in front of his mother and father. He cherished their family, all was good in his life, but he had a feeling that was all about to end when he told them the news. And he was afraid. “I’m gay, I’ve known for a few months now, just thought I should tell you.” He rushed out, feeling free, like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders._

_Zayn was so caught up in his own world that he failed to notice that his parents were quiet, too quiet. When he finally came back to reality, he looked up to see both of his parents looking at him with blank expressions._

_“Zayn,” his mother began, “honey, are you sure?” Her voice was quiet, just over a whisper. When he nodded, she stood up and walked away._

_It hurt, but at least she hadn’t said anything against it. Maybe she just needed some time to process the new knowledge._

_His father stood up and looked down at him. “Son. This is only a phase. You’re a Malik man, it won’t last long.”_

_~~ END FLASHBACK ~~_

But a year later and Zayn was still as gay as ever. And things had gotten a bit worse.

_~~ FLASHBACK (age 16) ~~_

_“Zayn!” Yaser yelled from the kitchen. “Get your ass down here and wash the fucking dishes!”_

_Upstairs in his room, Zayn flinched. His parents had always been sweet and gentle with him. But it had been a year since he told them he was gay, and they’d changed. While they’d never hit him, their verbal abuse hurt more than any physical wounds ever could. He ran down the stairs, not wanting to anger his father any more._

_As he was washing the dishes, insults were being thrown at him left and right, from both of his parents. **“You’re no good.”   “How the hell did my only child turn out to be gay?”  “What did I do to deserve a fag as a son?”  “Where did we go wrong with you?”  “If you wanna be fucked like a girl, you may as well do everything else a girl would do.”**_

_Zayn let the words sink in, silent tears brimming his eyes. Even after all of this, he couldn’t hate them, they were his parents._

_He could deal with the mental, he knew it would never get to be anything worse._

_~~ END FLASHBACK ~~_

Had he not been getting beat this very moment, Zayn would laugh. How naïve had he been to think that things really wouldn’t get worse?

_~~ FLASHBACK (three months ago, age 17) ~~_

_Zayn was laying in his bed, sobbing, his parents came home late from work, angrier than ever. Turns out they’d been out drinking away their troubles of having a gay son. It had worked, they were happy. That is, until they came home to find Zayn sitting on the floor, smiling don at his phone._

_Tricia snatched the phone from his hand, looking at the screen in disgust. She handed it to Yaser, who threw it against the wall. He grabbed Zayns arm and roughly pulled him off of the floor, only to backhand him back down._

_“What the hell is that shit?” He roared, enraged. Some fucking queer boy calling you **babe**?” Zayns heart rate picked up as he saw his father coming closer, still yelling._

_In the corner, the phone kept pinging, multiple texts coming through. It only fueled his dads fire further, he reached down and pulled Zayn from the floor by the collar of his shirt._

_“It’s **not**  gonna happen, Zayn! You will not do this in my house!” Yaser yelled, throwing his son ito the couch, causing it to fall backwards, Zayn going with it._

_Zayn looked to his mother for help, but found only anger as she smashed Zayns phone with her heel and turned to glare at him as if he was a piece of shit on the sidewalk._

_~~ END FLASHBACK ~~_

Zayn was curled into a ball on the floor where his father had left him after the attack, listening to their evil laughs coming from their room down the hall. They were mocking him, making fake screaming and crying noises.

Hoisting himself off the floor, Zayn slowly made his way to his room, locking the door when he’d gotten in. He winced in pain at every move he made. As he sat down on his bed, he pulled the phone his boyfriend had bought him from its place underneath his mattress.

_To: My Love_

_I hate them, Li! It hurts so fucking much!_ Zayn wrote, lying down slowly in the bed and reaching down into the drawer to grab some of the pain pills he’d hidden away. He’d clean himself up and see the damage in the morning, it hurt too much right now. He just laid there and waited for his boyfriend to text him back.

XXX

Liam heard his phone vibrate, and prayed that he was the only one. Or course he was though, because his sisters were passed out on the couch, too drugged to even make it any further.

Quietly, Liam walked to the safe that Ruth kept her money and drugs in and put in the code, having seen her or Nicola do it plenty of times.

Grabbing a few hundreds and his phone, Liam walked up to his room and took a jacket from his closet. Making sure that Ruth and Nicola were still out, he snuck out of the front door, quietly closing it behind him.

He walked down the dark street, making his way to the park he went to every night. When he finally got there, he sat on a swing and pulled out his phone.

_To: My World_

_I’m at the park. Let me know when they’re asleep so I can come._

_From: My World_

_They went into their room about an hour ago. Come in ten, I’ll be waiting in the back._

It would take him at least fifteen minutes to get to Zayns, so he left the park immediately and headed there. As he walked, he thought about how everything had turned out.

His mother and father left when he was sixteen, when they found out that not only was their only son gay, but the two oldest, their  _perfect_  daughters were getting into drugs.

Ruth and Nicola had blamed Liam, and his already shitty life got worse. They never physically hurt him, just neglected him and said rude things, knowing the kids at school would take care of the beatings.

Then about six months ago, when Liam had been ready to give it all up, he met Zayn. He’d became the light of his life quickly. When everything was looking bad, Zayn would come along and make it all better, even though his life was much harder. Liam hated that Zayn had it worse than he did, he was too good for all of the shit that he had to go through.

Whenever he saw Zayn in pain, whether it be physical or emotional or anything in between, Liams heart would shatter. When he would hear Zayn crying, he couldn’t keep from shedding a few tears of his own. When he would find new scars on Zayns body, Liam would feel them, as if they were on his own skin.

He always tried his hardest to, and sometimes succeeded, take away Zayns pain and make him feel better. Whether it be just by holding him close, kissing away his tears, or even making the sweet, sad love that they did, Liam always tried to make Zayn happy. He loved that boy, and as long as he was smiling, Liam knew he could make it through anything.

Finally, he made it Zayns side of town, going on the road behind his house so that he could go into the back yard. Like he’d said he would be, Zayn was there waiting for Liam, sitting under the big tree that they loved so much.

That tree had become their safe haven, a place where they could be happy free, even if only for a few seconds. It was better than nothing. They would sit in the tree, perched carefully on the branches, for hours every night, and even during the day when they could, and just talk. They’d tell each other about their days, talk about their future, and just kiss and be in love.

When Zayn looked up and saw Liam making his way towards him, he jumped up and ran to him with open arms. Here, with Liam holding him close and kissing the top of his head softly, Zayn let everything else fade away.

“Li.” He breathed out in a whisper. “I love you.” Zayn murmured into Liams chest, holding him tighter. He wanted to stay like this, away from everything else, forever.

Liam nodded and smiled into his hair. “I know, babe. I love you, too. I love you so much.” Liam said, meaning every word he’d said.


	2. 2. Invincible

“Does it still hurt, Zee?” Liam asked when they were perched safely in the branches of the tree. Zayn nodded quietly, making Liam frown. He hated seeing his baby in pain, it gave him his own physical pain. “Did you take medicine for it?” He asked again, sighing sadly when Zayn nodded again. “I’m so sorry, Zee.” He apologized.

Zayn could see the hurt in his eyes and it made him feel worse. Liam always did this to himself. “Hey, hey.” He said, grabbing Liam face in both of his hands and pulling him close to kiss his lips softly. “Don’t do this, okay? You did nothing wrong and I won’t let you blame yourself for them being monsters.” He said, kissing Liam again.

Liam let Zayn break off the kiss and sighed. “It is my fault, Zayn. If we’d never started dating, your parents wouldn’t be so horrible to you.” He stated, avoiding Zayn’s eyes. He knew Zayn would be trying to convince Liam that it wasn’t his fault, but he needed to suffer, needed to know the pain he caused Zayn.

“Li, stop it, baby. Look at me” He demanded, lifting his boyfriends gaze to his own. “They were like this way before we even met, so don’t think for a second that you had any part in this.” Zayn said sternly, trying to stop all of Liam’s thoughts.

“But they never hit you until that day. When they found out about us, they hit you because of me. I should have just left you alone when you told me about them, it’s my fault.” Liam whispered, looking back down. Tears started to roll slowly down his cheeks and Zayn wiped them away with his thumbs.

“It was gonna happen eventually.” Zayn informed Liam. “I wasn’t gonna skip out on someone loving me because of them. If it wasn’t you, it would have been someone else, someone that didn’t really care like you do. But I’m happy with you, you’re my everything and I’m glad you fell in love with me so that I could love you right back.” Zayn said, voice strong and sure. “Now stop blaming yourself and kiss me, please? I need you to kiss me right now.” Zayn said, voice becoming desperate as the pain in his side sent a shock through him.

Liam kissed Zayn soft and slow, his hand on the back of Zayn’s neck pulling him close. Zayn thought he’d distracted Liam, but then a sharp pain shot through his side from the uncomfortable angle and he whimpered loudly. Liam pulled back, looking at Zayn sadly. “See! You’re hurt and it’s my fault!” Liam said sadly, letting his face fall into his hands.

He heard Zayn take in a small breath and looked back at him. “What hurts, baby?” Liam asked quietly, rubbing his hand soothingly on Zayn’s thigh to calm his cries. Zayn motioned to his side, biting his lip to stop another cry from coming out. Liam nodded and carefully pulled Zayn onto his lap, being sure not to fall out of the tree or hurt his side any more.

“I’m gonna be alright, it’s just a little pain. It’ll go away when the pills kick in.” Zayn said, resting his head on Liam’s chest.

Liam kissed the top of his head. “How many did you take, love?” Liam asked, running his fingers through Zayn’s hair.

Zayn rolled his eyes. “Only two, Li. You don’t have to ask me that every time I take pills.” Liam always asked his how many pills he took, no matter what kind they were. He was scared, and Zayn knew that. He could get why, but he’d told Liam he wouldn’t.

“I just wanna make sure, Zayn. I love you and don’t wanna lose you.” Liam said, apologetically. He knew Zayn hated when he did that, but he just wanted to make sure that the one person in the world he actually gave a fuck about and vice versa was still with him.

Zayn sighed. “I know, I know. But I already told you, you don’t have to worry about that. It would hurt too much to leave you.” Zayn said, kissing Liam softly to assure him. “Now, how was your day?” He asked quietly, laying his head on Liam’s shoulder.

“It was like every other day. I got yelled at, Ruth took my hone and locked it up, then she made me do the dishes over and over until her and Nicola passed out on the couch and then I came here. Same as every other day.” Liam said, shrugging his shoulders. It was a routine for him, and it barely ever differs. “How was your day, though?”

Zayn shrugged his shoulders, mocking Liam. “Eh, they came home drunk and made me cook dinner. Then, when I put a little too much on my mom’s plate and not enough on my dad’s they yelled and I tried to say it was an accident, but then he hit and well… ya know how that goes.” He said nonchalantly.

“Don’t act like it’s not a big deal, Zayn. They hurt you for no damn reason.” Liam said, huffing angrily.

Zayn furrowed his brow. “It’s what they do, Liam. No need to get mad, calm down.”

Liam growled, literally. “It’s not okay just because they do it. They’re your parents, but they treat you like nothing. You deserve better than them.”

Zayn sniffled. “You make me feel like the world is for me, even though I know it’s exactly the opposite. When I’m with you, I feel like I can do anything, like I can deal with this shit and be happy and like everything will be alright.” Zayn said truthfully. It wasn’t uncommon for Liam to make him feel like he was on top of the world at the times where he felt like he was buried under it, but it never failed to make him emotional.

“That’s my job, Zee, to make you feel like this. You deserve the world and I wanna be the one to give it to you. I love you so much.” Liam said, kissing Zayn slow and passionate.

“I love you, Liam, so much.” Zayn agreed against Liam’s lips. Together, they were capable of all, and they both knew that.

 


	3. 3. Consequences

“I gotta go, babe, before the girls wake up and notice I’m gone.” Liam said, kissing Zayn on the forehead and pulling away smiling sadly. “It’s almost 5am, you should go in, too, before your parents get up for work.”

Zayn nodded, watching as Liam slowly climbed down the tree and held his arms open to help Zayn down. He slowly slid down until Liam grabbed his legs, then he completely let go, Liam holding him up and setting him down on the ground.

“I love you, Li.” Zayn whispered, stretching up to kiss Liam softly on the lips. He wrapped his arms around Liam’s neck, not wanting to let him go. “Promise me forever?” He asked, breaking apart and looking Liam right in the eyes.

Liam smiled on his lips. “I promise you eternity, baby.” He said quietly into Zayn’s mouth. He pecked his lips once more and pulled back. “Alright, I need to go now, and so do you. I love you and be careful.” Liam said, running out of the yard and into the street towards his side of town.

XXX

Zayn walked into his house, closing the door behind him quietly. He looked around to make sure that his parents were still in their room, and walked into the kitchen to make himself a sandwich. He’d went into his room without eating after his dad had beat him, so he was starving.

“Where the hell were you, Zayn?”

Zayn’s head popped up and hit the refrigerator, causing him to groan in pain as he turned around. His dad was standing there looking at Zayn with his lips tight and his eyes dark. He only had on his pajamas and Zayn guessed he’d just got up to get ready for work.

“I.. I-I was just getting a sandwich, I was hungry and I have school in a little bit…” He said quietly, nervous for his father’s reaction.

Yaser looked at Zayn with a look of disgust and backhanded him. Zayn cried out loudly, but it was drowned out by his dad yelling. “You fucking liar! I’ve been awake for 2 hours and I saw you outside! Who was that little faggot you were kissing? What the fuck did I tell you, Zayn? You will not be kissing boys in my house!” Through his whole speech, Yaser was periodically hitting Zayn, making him cry and grunt louder each time.

“I’ll fucking kill you before I let you shame this family, boy! If I see you with that little ass fucker ever again, I will kill you both!” He yelled, turning to walk out of the kitchen. He turned back and looked at Zayn’s limp figure on the floor. “Now get your ass up and make me some coffee and get ready for school.” He sneered, walking into his room and slamming the door.

Zayn laid on the floor, crying into his arm for a few minutes after his dad walked out. He was still in pain from the beating earlier, and his side was literally throbbing from this one now. He slowly pulled himself off of the floor, holding onto the counter for support. He moved around the kitchen, crying silently as he made his dad a pot of coffee. He couldn’t do much without holding onto something, so it was slower than usual.

When he was done, he filled a cup and set it where he knew his dad would be able to find it and walked into his room. He pulled his phone from the bottom drawer, sending a text to Liam.

_To: My Love_

_He saw us, Li. He said he’d kill us both if he saw us together again. We need to talk when we get to school. He wrote, tears blurring his vision as the thought about what he wanted to say to Liam._

XXX

Liam ran up to the door, trying to open it, but it was locked. “Fuck.” He cursed under his breath, slapping the side of the brick house. He’d left the door unlocked and if it was locked now, that meant that

Ruth and Nicola had woken up, and probably knew about Liam’s absence.

He ran around to the side of the house where his bedroom was and tried the window. When the window opened, Liam sighed in relief and climbed in, being careful not to make too much noise. Once he was in, Liam closed the window behind him and went to get ready for school. His phone vibrated in his pocket and Liam locked his bedroom door before pulling it out to see a text from Zayn.

_From: My World_

_He saw us, Li. He said he’d kill us both if he saw us together again. We need to talk when we get to school._

Liam cursed to himself. If Yaser had seen him and Zayn, he’d definitely not taken it well. Zayn was probably hurt –even more than before- and Liam just couldn’t handle knowing that he was in part to blame.

He wouldn’t do this to Zayn anymore, Liam would not let Zayn get hurt so that he could be happy. When he talked to Zayn later, he’d fix all the wrong he’d done for that boy.

As soon as Liam slipped the phone under his mattress to get dressed, there was a banging on the door. He groaned and went to open it, seeing Ruth on the other side. She snarled and walked in. “I don’t know where the hell you went last night, but to teach you a lesson, you’re going to school in the same thing you wore yesterday. That way everyone that already hates your little faggot ass can beat you up some more.”

Liam rolled his eyes. “Your best friend is gay, Roo.” He said quietly, not looking at his older sister.

“I know that, dipshit. And don’t fucking call me Roo, you don’t deserve that.” She said, walking out. She hollered back, “And if I see you out of those clothes, you’ll get a lot more than an ass beating from those damn kids.”

Liam sighed. Really, what was the point in even caring about getting beat up now? He was about to lose the only person he cared about and vice versa. That beating was welcome any day over the pain in his heart right now.

 


	4. 4. Decisions

Zayn leaned on the wall, his side still giving him a hard time. He was waiting outside the school, in their spot, waiting for Liam to show up. He was slightly worried, because Liam was later than he’d ever been and Zayn couldn’t shake the thought that maybe Ruth and Nicola had done something to him.

There were the sounds of kids laughing cruelly and hollers of amusement coming from the front yard. “Hey, Payne! Too busy spending all your money on lube and condoms you couldn’t afford a new outfit?” Zayn heard someone yell. He pushed himself slowly along the wall to see Liam still wearing the same clothes he’d worn yesterday and taking the insults with his head bowed and his eyes looking straight at Zayn sadly.

Zayn swallowed thickly, wishing he could do something for Liam. Any other time, he’d go and walk with Liam, hold his hand and take the insults with him, but he knew with the pain he was feeling right now, he’d topple over and be an even easier target and no help to Liam. He cringed as he watched Aiden roughly pull Liam from his path towards Zayn and throw him to the ground. The crowd all laughed, cheering Aiden on as he kicked Liam repeatedly in the stomach. All Zayn could do was yell and cry, watching as Aiden continued to hurt Liam and Matt joined in, picking Liam up and punching him everywhere he could reach.

Liam didn’t try to fight back. Yeah, it hurt, but he loved the feeling of being beat over the feeling of seeing Zayn standing there looking so sad, especially knowing what was about to happen. He could tell Zayn wanted to come to him, but he knew Zayn was hurting. It was just as well, it would be a lot harder to go through with everything if Zayn braved this crowd of assholes with him.

“Hey, hey! Step the fuck back and leave him alone, you bastards!” Someone yelled, the audience parting like the Red Sea to let the small boy through.

Aiden turned to him and growled. “What the fuck do you want, Tomlinson? Get out of here and let us finish giving this kid what he deserves.” Matt nodded and the crowed agreed with a chorus of ‘yeah’.

Louis pushed Matt and Aiden out of his way and went to help Liam off of the ground. “Come on, Liam. We’re gonna get you to the nurse. It looks pretty bad this time. Where’s Zayn?” He asked as he walked through the silent crowd. No one dared try to stop him, Louis was the most feared person on campus. He didn’t take anyone’s shit and even though he was small, he beat the hell out of anyone who crossed him. He was one of the only people that ever helped Zayn and Liam, the others being his best friends Niall and Harry.

“Over by the wall.” Liam answered quietly, jerking his head in Zayn’s direction.

Louis looked up and saw the black haired boy slowly making his way over to the two of them. “Shit.” He gasped, leaning Liam on the wall and helping Zayn over to him. He then preceded to help the two of them into the school and to the nurse’s office. “Mrs. Brown?” Louis called out into the office, having set Liam and Zayn down in the chairs by the door. He walked into the office and smiled sadly at their school nurse.

“What’s wrong, Louis?” She asked, standing to check on the boy. He’d often come in with an injury from soccer or the rare rough fight. “Are you alright, love?”

Louis smiled at her concern. “Yeah, I am. But Liam and Zayn, not so much.” He said sadly. Nurse Brown nodded understandingly and walked into the waiting area, seeing Zayn and Liam both looking at the floor quietly. Neither of them seemed to be in good shape.

“Thank you for bringing them in, Louis.” She said, nodding as the short boy walked out of the office saying goodbye to Liam and Zayn. “Come on, you two, we’re gonna get you both into the room and I’m gonna give you some pain pills and hopefully you’ll be okay for the day.”

Liam and Zayn got up and followed Mrs. Brown into the room where she had the cots set up. They sat down on the cots, automatically facing each other out of habit. They stayed quiet, waiting until the nurse had watched them take the medicine and went back into her office to start talking.

“I’m so sorry, Zayn. Your dad hurt you, again, and it’s all my fault. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I love you, and you know that, I would never have tried for this to happen to you. I am so sorry, ba- Zayn.” Liam rambled of, his voice quiet and pained.

Zayn got up and walked to Liam’s cot, sitting by his side and laying his head on Liam shoulder. “It’s not your fault, baby. Don’t start blaming yourself. And I’m sorry I couldn’t come when they were… ya know.” He said, not wanting to think about Liam getting beat up.

Liam scooted away from Zayn, turning on the cot to face him. “Look, Zayn. I can’t do this to you anymore. I hate being the reason that your dad and mom beat you. So I’m gonna make it easy for you.” Liam said sadly. Zayn looked at him, concerned. Whenever Liam got like this, nothing good could possibly happen. “Zayn, we have to break up. It’s for your own good, babe.” Liam said, knowing Zayn was going to try and argue with him.

Zayn scoffed. “Liam. Why is this always the best option for you? Not being with you would be a thousand times worse than anything they, or anyone, could ever do to me.” Zayn said. Liam just sat there with his head down, and Zayn sighed. “But fine, if that’s what you want, then okay. You can leave me right now and you’ll never have to see me again or worry about anything ever happening to me. Because I’m not gonna do this anymore.” He said, going back to his own cot.

Liam finally looked up. “What does that mean?” He asked wearily. “Please don’t say what I think you’re saying to me right now.” He pleaded.

Zayn looked away from Liam’s hard gaze. “I’m tired, Li. I’m tired of everyone hurting me, I’m tired of them hurting you and making you feel like anything is your fault. I’m tired of seeing you unhappy and of being unhappy myself.” He said sadly. He looked Liam in the eye and said, “I’m ending this all tomorrow.”

Liam got up and kneeled in front of Zayn. “Please, baby, no. You can’t do that, you can’t! If you do, then they all win. They all pushed you to the edge and they win. You can’t do that and let them win, Zayn.” He pleaded. He could tell Zayn wasn’t gonna change his mind, so he tried a different tactic. “Fine, do it. But I’m doing it with you. I’m not gonna live in a world like this knowing you’re not alive. If you’re doing it, then I’m going with you. We’ll do it together and we’ll spend those last moments of our lives happy with each other.” He said, nodding so that Zayn wouldn’t disagree with him.

They were both crying, and Zayn got down on the floor, hugging Liam as tight as he could. “I love you so much, Liam.”

Liam nodded, kissing Zayn’s lips softly. “I love you, too, babe.”


	5. 5. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EXTREME TRIGGER WARNING THIS CHAPTER! PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU'RE EASILY TRIGGERED! BE CAREFUL, PLEASE, AND TALK TO ME OR SOMEBODY IF YOU NEED TO, EVEN IF IT'S NOT ABOUT THIS!

“Here, I brought Vicodin, Xanax, and Everclear.” Liam said sadly, sitting the bottles on Zayns dresser. “I love you, ya know?” He asked, sitting beside Zayn on his bed and wrapping him in a tight hug, kissing his head softly.

Zayn nodded. “I know, and I love you, too. So much.” He said, his voice breaking as a few tears escaped his eyes. He cuddled his face into Liams chest, sighing. “I’m not ready, Li.” He whispered, holding his boyfriend tighter.

“We don’t have to, babe. We can just keep dealing. Or we could run away, anything. We don’t have to do this.” Liam said, still wanting to convince Zayn not to go through with what they’d talked about.

“You don’t have to do this. Like, you deserve to live a happy life. You can go on and do that, I don’t wanna hold you back, ya know? Just because I’m doing this, doesn’t mean you have to. I want you to be happy, Liam.” Zayn sniffled, completely soaking Liam’s shirt with his tears.

Liam shook his head. “I won’t be happy without you, though. That’s why I’m doing it. If you insist on doing this, I’m not gonna live in a world where you don’t exist. You’re the only reason I stayed this long, I’m not gonna let you do this alone and stay behind after.”

Zayn kissed Liam with everything he had. “Do you remember when we met?” Zayn asked.

Liam knew he was stalling, he was afraid. So he played along, giving Zayn as much time as he could to change his mind. “Of course I do, babe.”

_~~ FLASHBACK ~~_

_“‘That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.’” Zayn quoted. He’d read The Fault in Our Stars enough times that he could recite the entire thing, but he knew that this one line was sufficient. The class had diverted all of their attention to him, and he kept going. “I’ve never experienced much physically painful, but I do know what emotional pain is all too well. And I know it rips you open, eats you from the inside out. It’s unavoidable. No matter how hard you try to numb it and forget about everything that hurts you, it’ll be there.” Zayn looked around the room, at all of the eyes staring back at him. Some in pity, some in confusion, but most just careless. Then he caught one pair of eyes. And they were different. They were understanding. Zayn looked straight into those knowing brown eyes and finished, “Lurking in the background, silently chewing away at your insides, waiting until you let your guard down just enough that it can come back full force and destroy you all over again.”_

_The class was quiet, even the teacher stunned and speechless. Before anything could change, the bell rung and Zayn got up from his seat and walked off. He was just reaching the front doors of the school when he heard someone call out, “Hey!” Zayn turned, seeing the boy he’d locked eyes with just moments before in class. “What you said in there, that was really inspirational and true. And honest, like, how you opened up and spoke from your own experience. It was good.” The boy complimented._

_“Well,” Zayn said with a shrug. “Isn’t that what the lesson was all about?”_

_The boy nodded and held out his hand. “I’m Liam.”_

_~~ END FLASHBACK ~~_

“Was the best day of my life. I found someone who could relate to everything I felt. I could never forget that.” Liam said. And it was true. He never went a day without thinking about the day Zayn gave the best damn speech he’d ever heard in their Philosophy class, the day he knew he’d met his soul mate.

Zayn nodded and said, “Yeah, me too,” his voice raspy with tears. “What about our first date?”

_~~ FLASHBACK ~~_

_“I mean, I know ice cream isn’t like, creative or special or anything, but I just… I dunno, I figured it would be okay? But if you wanna do something else we can! I’m versatile.” Liam said, trying to sound confident but only managing nervous babbling. He and Zayn were standing at the back of the school, having agreed to go straight from there since neither was ready to let the other see what awaits them at home._

_Zayn took his hand and they both stood still. “It’s alright, calm down.” He let go, realizing he was making it awkward. But when he saw Liam’s small smile fade, he picked it back up again, smiling big because he actually liked the feel of Liam’s hand in his. “Ice cream would be amazing.”_

_Liam squeezed his hand and led Zayn down the sidewalk towards the gates._

_That’s when Matt and Aiden stepped in their way._

_“What the hell is this? Since when did our school tolerate queers?” Matt asked, putting his hand on Zayn’s shoulder to push him back. Liam stepped forward, trying to at least get them to leave Zayn alone, but Aiden pushed him to the floor._

_Matt held Zayn back to watch as Aiden beat him up. Zayn tried to call out for help from some of the students still on school grounds, but everyone was either into the scene or too afraid to stop the boys._

_But then Louis, Harry, and Niall came along. They were the only people in the school more intimidating than Matt and Aiden, and everyone made way for them and left when they said. The three boys waited until everyone was gone to check on Liam and Zayn, making sure that Liam wasn’t seriously injured and that Zayn was okay._

_Liam was hurt, but nothing too bad. Zayn was crying, but all in all he was fine. When Louis, Harry, and Niall were sure that the other two boys were fine, they left, telling Liam and Zayn to have fun on their date._

_Even with what had happened before, the date was amazing. Liam was still nervous about only going for ice cream and kept suggesting they do something else to make up for it, but Zayn assured him that it was fine. They sat and ate their ice cream, just talking and getting to know each other like they had been doing the whole week. It was great, and for a while neither of them had to deal with their shit lives._

_~~ END FLASHBACK ~~_

“Top 5.” Liam said, scooting back so that he had his back against the headboard and had Zayn leaning onto his chest.

Zayn smiled sadly. “Even with the whole Aiden and Matt thing before?”

Liam nodded. “Especially with that.” When Zayn looked up at him confused, he said, “ You saw how much people hated me and what you would have to deal with and you still stayed with me.”

Zayn smiled, kissing the bottom on Liam’s jaw. “First kiss?”

_~~ FLASHBACK ~~_

_From: Zayn J_

_You’re so sweet, Li. I ijdb4u_

_Liam frowned, confused. Whatever Zayn had been trying to reply obviously hadn’t worked out. Liam decided to text him again when Zayn still hadn’t replied thirty minutes later._

_To: Zayn J_

_What was that, babe?_

_To: Zayn J_

_Zayn?_

_To: Zayn J_

_Why aren’t you answering, it’s been four hours. I’m worried._

_Liam knew all about Zayn’s home life, and even though Zayn said his parents had never physically harmed him, he still knew there was a possibility. So Liam made sure his sisters were asleep and made his way to Zayn’s house._

_He found Zayn in the backyard, leaning up against a big tree that concealed his body in it’s shadow._

_“Zayn?” He asked, walking towards him._

_Zayn looked up, sniffling. “Liam! You have to go, they can’t see you here! Go, I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”_

_Liam shook his head, going to Zayn. “What’s wrong, Z? It’s been four hours since you texted me that weird message. Why are you crying?” Patting Zayn’s back, Liam sat them both down under the tree and pulled Zayn into his chest._

_Zayn let his tears fall as he snuggled into Liam’s chest, wrapping his arms around Liam’s middle. “They broke the phone, Li. I was sitting on the floor in the living room while they were out. And I was texting you back when came in. My mom took the phone and read it, then showed my dad. They got mad and… and… It’s the first time they’ve ever hit me, Li! And it hurts, like, really bad.”_

_Liam held Zayn a little more loosely, not wanting to hurt him anymore than he already was. “I’m so sorry, Zayn. I didn’t mean for this to happen, I feel so bad.”_

_Zayn shook his head, laying his head on Liam’s shoulder. “It’s not your fault. They’re dicks, that has nothing to do with you.”_

_“They only did it because we’re dating, I should have known I would only make things worse. I always do,” Liam said, dropping his head sadly._

_Grabbing his face, Zayn lifted Liam’s head and looked into his eyes. “You didn’t do anything. You made it better, they made it worse, Li. Don’t say anything like that.”_

_Liam opened his mouth to respond, but Zayn kissed him before he could say anything. It was their first kiss, so Zayn took it slow, opening his mouth a bit, but not using his tongue. He was the first to pull back first, and Liam looked at him with a small smile._

_Zayn smiled back, sighing into Liam’s mouth when he pulled him in for a second kiss. “What was that for?” He asked dreamily._

_Liam shrugged. “Just because. You did it first.”_

_“I love you, Liam,” Zayn said quietly, not even nervous. This was the first time either of them had said those three words, but by now they knew it already._

_“I love you, too, Zayn.”_

_The two of them snuggled closer, hugging and kissing under the tree in Zayn’s backyard._

_“This is our tree now.”_

_~~ END FLASHBACK ~~_

“Second best day of my life. And also the first time we said ‘I love you’.” Liam said, scooting down the bed just enough so that he and Zayn could lay down.

“I’d say first time,” Zayn said, furrowing his brow a bit, “but we never made it there. I would have given you that part of me in a heartbeat, you have every other part.”

Liam felt a wet spot forming on his neck. “Babe, don’t cry. We can, if you want. We can right now. You don’t have to cry. Stop crying, love. C’mon, if you want, let’s do it now.”

“Really?” Zayn asked, looking up at Liam with wet, hopeful eyes.

“Really.” Liam nodded, smiling sadly at Zayn. He bent his neck down, kissing Zayn softly on the lips. Sitting up and shuffling around a bit, Zayn kneeled over Liam, who took a hold on his waist softly, pulling him sideways until Zayn had his knees on either side of Liam’s torso.

Zayn lowered his bum and sat on Liam’s thighs, laying with their chests pressed together as they kissed slowly. “Liam,” Zayn said, already breathless.Liam hummed in response, pulling Zayn up so that he could kiss on his neck. “Liam, please.” Zayn was already whining with need, he’d never had sex before and after a hard year with the love of his life, he just wanted to end it with Liam making love to him.

Sitting and and breaking the kiss, Zayn took off his shirt and pants, then laid on his back to watch as Liam did the same. “I love you so much, Zayn.” Zayn whined his agreement when Liam hovered over him and started to slowly palm his groin through his underwear.

He looked up into the soft brown eyes he loved so much and touched Liam’s face. “Stop crying, Li. This has to be a happy moment for us. No more crying, we’re finally doing this.” But of course, Zayn couldn’t stay true to his own word and cried, silent happy tears. “I love you.”

Liam nodded and slowly pushed his hand into Zayn’s boxers to stroke him. When Zayn let out a small puff of air and gripped the sheets, Liam pulled the underwear all the way down, rubbing Zayn’s thighs gently while doing so.

“You too, Li. Take of your underwear, too.” Zayn’s voice came out soft and raspy, Liam taking his time to pull on Zayn’s cock a few times. By now, Zayn was crying heavily from all of the raw emotion he was feeling. “Liam.”

“I’m here, baby,” Liam said, not letting go of Zayn as he took off his own underwear. Zayn moaned quietly, reaching out to grab onto Liam and tug on him the way Liam was doing to him. “Oh my… Can I, like, can I touch you… there?” Liam asked, nodding his head towards Zayn’s bum.

Zayn nodded slowly, nervous and excited. They were always too busy being sweet and sentimental that the two of them never had time for anything more than slow, sweet kissing. Everything sexual was new to them, but they would figure it out together.

Liam laid his hand on the top of Zayn’s thigh, slowly dragging it down until he reached his bum, taking in a deep breath and rubbing over Zayn’s entrance, making the smaller boy gasp in surprise. “Oh.”

Zayn’s back arched, and Liam watched with wide eyes.He ran his finger over the muscle again and again, finally settling for just rubbing around it in circles. “Liam, Liam.” Zayn moaned, rolling his head to the side. “Liam, please.”

Putting his finger into his mouth to wet it, Liam traced over Zayn’s hole again, slowly adding pressure. “Oh my god.” Finally, his fingertip made it just past Zayn’s clenching and inside. “Liam, it hurts.”

“I’ll stop?” When Zayn shook his head, Liam kissed him on the thigh, just nuzzling his head there until Zayn was ready.

“Okay, more.” Liam pushed his finger in, going up to his first knuckle before Zayn sobbed out a loud, “Stop!” Liam’s face dropped, he was hurting Zayn. H started to pull his finger back out, but Zayn grabbed his wrist. “No, just need time.”

Liam nodded and waited until Zayn released his wrist to continue. When he got up to his second knuckle, he tried to stop because Zayn seemed to be in a lot of pain, but Zayn shook his head. “Go, get it over.” Liam kissed his hip and finished pushing his finger in until he couldn’t anymore.

“You okay, babe?” Liam asked, worried about how hard Zayn was breathing. Zayn made a small noise of pain, but nodded his head nonetheless. Liam just repeatedly kissed his hip until he felt Zayn unclench a bit. He took advantage of the change and bent his finger, wanting to try to make it better for Zayn.

It worked and Zayn let out a small moan, opening his mouth and groaning when Liam kept moving his finger inside of Zayn. He could feel it all around, massaging his walls and tickling. “Oh fuck, move it, Li.”

He did, and almost immediately, Zayn’s back arched and he let out a long whine. “Holy hell, do it again.” Liam pulled his finger back and pushed it in again like he had before.

Liam was rewarded with Zayn calling out his name breathlessly. “Liam. Shit. Another one.” Liam added a second finger, waiting the way he had with the first to let Zayn adjust. When his second finger was all the way in, he moved it like he had before and bit his lip when Zayn moaned loudly. “Hell, Liam, so good. Please, more.”

They did it again with a third finger until Zayn was literally crying and begging for Liam. “I’m ready, Li. I want you now, please. Liam, please, I’m ready. Please.”

Liam nodded, spitting into his hand and rubbing it over his cock, moaning at the contact. Zayn slapped his hand away and spit on Liam’s head, rubbing it in himself, biting his lip as he listened to Liam moan above him. When he was sure Liam was wet enough, Zayn laid back on the bed, opening his legs for Liam to settle between. Liam used one hand to balance himself on the bed, and the other to guide himself to Zayn’s hole. Rubbing the head of his cock over Zayn’s hole, Liam leaned down to kiss his boyfriend as he pushed in.

“Liam, oh my god, stop!” He yelled, gripping Liams arm tightly. “Fucking hell, it hurts. Don’t no, don’t move,” Zayn said when Liam started to pull out. He leaned up to kiss Liam and distract himself. “Go slow.”

Liam pushed his hips forward slowly, kissing Zayn hard to help the pain. Liam hissed when Zayn bit his lip and let his head drop back onto the pillow. “Sorry, sorry. Shit, sorry.” He rushed out, reaching up to rub his finger over Liam’s lip in apology.

“S’Fine.” Liam said, kissing the pad of Zayn’s finger sweetly. “I love you.”

Zayn smiled, sniffling. “I love you, too, Liam” He moved his hand around to the back of Liam’s neck, pulling his head down to kiss him softly. “Go, please.”

Liam nodded, kissing Zayn back as he pushed all the way in, grunting when Zayn clenched tightly around him. “You’re okay?” He asked, looking down into Zayn’s eyes. Liam kissed Zayn on the nose when he nodded. “I love you, you’re so perfect and I’m sorry about everything. But it’s gonna be alright.”

“Shh, just move, please?” Zayn asked, pushing himself down onto Liam, moaning. Liam pulled out just a little and pushed back in slowly. “Li.” Zayn’s mouth fell open, his eyes closed.

Liam caressed Zayn’s face, speaking quietly. “Can you look at me, babe? I wanna be able to see into your eyes, please?” Zayn nodded and opened his eyes, making Liam smile lovingly. “I wish that we could have made it further, Zayn. Like, just long enough to get away from this all. We could have been happy together, forever. We could have gotten married and adopted cute little kids, who would have had lots of little grandchildren for us. We finally would have been able to have the family that we wanted, the family that we deserve,” Liam said sadly. Zayn reached up and wiped a few tears from his eyes. “But we didn’t. And if I had to just let it all stop here, I’m glad it’s with you, Zayn. You’re my world, and I love you so much.”

Zayn blinked a few times, pushing the tears out of my eyes and down the sides of his face. “I’m sorry, Liam. You don’t deserve this to be it for you, you deserve to go on and live happily with someone. You-”

“I can only live happily with you, Zayn. No one can make me happy the way you do, not at all. I don’t care about anyone or anything other than you. I’m happy right now.” Liam interrupted, kissing Zayn softly on the lips.

“Liam,” Zayn breathed out quietly, his head falling backwards and his mouth opening while his eyes closed. He wrapped his arms loosely around Liam’s neck, moaning as he came in between he and Liam’s bodies.

He clenched tightly throughout his orgasm, pulling Liam and closer to his own. He pushed in one, two, three more times before he was groaning out Zayn’s name and coming inside of him.

For a few moments, both boy just laid there, breathing heavily with Liam on top of Zayn. When they finally regained their breath, Liam pulled out of Zayn and rolled to lay down beside him. “Come on, love. Let’s get cleaned up and dressed, then we’ll do it.” Zayn nodded, getting out of the bed slowly to follow Liam, wincing and sitting back down. “It’s fine, I’ll be right back to help you.” Liam said.

XXX

Five minutes later, and Zayn and Liam are cleaned and dressed, sitting on the middle of the bed. They had the two pill bottles and the bottle of alcohol sitting between them.

“You’re sure about this?” Liam asked, biting his lip nervously. He still wanted Zayn to change his mind, not because he didn’t want to die, but because he felt that Zayn should be able to have a full life, preferably with him.

Zayn nodded. “Yeah, I’m sure. But you don’t have to, Li.” Zayn looked down at his bed, picking up the bottle of Vicodin. He poured four into his hand, then did the same with the Xanax.

Liam picked up both bottles and poured four of each into his hands as well. “You’re not gonna do this alone. It’s all or nothing. If I can’t have all of you, I want nothing. On three?”

“One.”

“Two.”

“Three.”

Zayn and Liam threw the pills into the back of their throats, quickly opening the bottle of Everclear and taking large gulps to wash down the medicine.

Already, Zayn’s head was starting to swim. “Liam? Promise me forever?”

Liam could see that Zayn was getting bad already and nodded, pressing send on his phone and looking Zayn in the eyes the best he could with his clouding vision. “I promise you eternity, Zayn.”

Zayn laid back, his eyes closing. Just as Liam laid back beside him, he could barely make out a door opening. He smiled. “I’m sorry.”


	6. 6. Endings

_“We’re done, Li! We’re finally done with all of this! We can be happy now, proper happy. It’s just me and you, Li.” Zayn said excitedly._

_“ **Not just yet, almost.** ” Liam said, sounding slightly panicked. “ **Hang in there, Zayn. Almost there, you can do it. Come on.** ”_

_Zayn dropped his smile, frowning and scrunching his eyebrows. “What?”_

_“ **That’s it, come on!** ” Liam urged him in the same panicked tone. “ **Come on, Zayn, do it again for me, please?** ”_

_Zayn was completely lost now. Liam took his hand gently and he could feel him touching his face, but Liam’s other hand was hanging by his side. “What’s going on, Li? What are you talking about?” Zayn squeezed Liam’s hand to help comfort himself._

_Liam’s face remained neutral, but his voice raised excitedly. “ **He squeezed my hand, he talked and he squeezed my hand, someone help!** ”_

_There was a loud, shrill beeping noise, and Zayn turned his head trying to get away from it. “Stop! Liam, make it stop! What’s going on!"_

_“I promised you eternity, Zayn. I’m giving you that. This is your eternity, Z.” Liam gave Zayn a small smile and pulled him into a tight hug. “I told you I was sorry. This is why,” he whispered. Kissing Zayn on the lips, Liam smiled. “Bye baby, I love you.”_

_Zayn was about to ask what Liam was talking about, but everything disappeared and Zayn was left with only whitespace and noises. He jerked around, trying to find something other than bright white._

_“ **Zayn, Zayn! Calm down, you’re okay!** ” Someone shouted at him, but there was no one around. “ **Get a doctor, patient is convulsing.** ”_

_‘Patient? Doctor?’ Zayn questioned to himself. What the hell was happening to him?_

_“ **Set the defibrillator to 136 joules. Charge!** ”_

_Zayn furrowed his brow. Before he had any time to think about what was happening, his body jolted forward and he found himself on his knees in the white world with his chest aching. “What is this?” Zayn asked, voice hysterical._

_“ **136 joules. Charge!** ” Zayn felt the pain again and clutched his heart. “ **One more time. 136 joules. Charge!** ”_

_Again, Zayn felt his body jerk and fell face down. “Fuck! Stop!”_

_There was a sigh. “ **I’m calling it. Time of death: 7:34 pm. Friday, November 14th, 2014.** ”_

_In a final attempt to stop whatever was happening to him, Zayn reached his hand out into the stark white room._

_“ **No, no, no! Wait, look!** ” “ **Patient is showing signs of life. Hand movements.** ” “ **Final attempt. 136 joules. Charge!** ”_

_The floor beneath Zayn gave out and the white room went dim as he feel. Maybe this was finally the end. He was at peace._

XXX

A small, constant beep was sounding. Zayn didn’t know what the hell it was, but it was annoying the hell out of him. Why has his death thus far been so loud and aggravating?

“Turn it off.” Zayn said, but even as the sound left his mouth, he could tell it was a lot raspier than it was in his head.

“Zayn! Talk again, please?”

That voice sounded familiar, but Zayn couldn’t place it. What he could hear, though, was that same annoying ass beep. “Turn it off, please.”

There was a joyous laugh and Zayn cracked one eye open slowly. “Hi.”

What was this? How the hell was this even happening? “Louis?”

“Yeah, hi.” Louis smiled, taking Zayn's hand gently and rubbing it with his own.

“What’s going on, Lou? Where am I? Are you dead, too? Where’s Liam?” Zayn questioned back to back. He had to get everything out at once, because his mind was too crowded.

Louis smiled down at him sadly. “You’re not dead, Zayn. You’re in a hospital. You almost didn’t make it, though. Liam is.. Liam is gone. He didn’t make it.” Zayn could already feel his heart breaking. This couldn’t be true, it had to be some sort of joke or something. But the way that Louis’ voice broke as he talked, Zayn knew it was real. “We got to you guys just in time to help you. But not fast enough to save Liam. He wanted it this way, so don’t get upset, Zayn.”

“What the hell are you talking about, ‘he wanted it this way’? Liam and I agreed to do this together, this is all your fault, Louis! You took me away from my Liam! You fucking cunt!”

As Zayn was yelling at Louis in rage, a nurse ran into the room. “Zayn, Zayn calm down! You’re gonna hurt yourself or something.”

Zayn just continued telling Louis that this was all his fault through his tears. The nurse had to give him a sedation shot to calm him down. Zayn expected Louis to leave, but he just sat there and took it all with a small, sad smile.

XXX

Zayn opened his eyes, turning his head to look where he expected to find an empty chair. Instead, he saw Louis sitting there, staring out of the big window. “Louis, I’m sorry about yesterday, or today, or whenever it happened.” He said, sighing. He didn’t know how the hell this happened, but he knew it wasn’t Louis’ fault.

Louis got up and walked to Zayn’s side. Sitting down on the edge of his bed and taking Zayn’s hand, Louis smiled. “It’s fine. You just panicked and I was the only familiar thing, I get it. But I want you to know, I would never do this. If you decided that you really wanted to end it, I would never force you to keep going with what you had to deal with.

Zayn nodded. “But why did you? Like, what happened that made you save us? why couldn’t you just let us die together?” He didn’t understand, because he knew Louis wouldn’t make him live in this hell, but he’d said ‘they’ had gotten to them in time. And who else cared enough?

Louis sighed and got on his knees beside Zayn’s bed so that he could look at him head on. “Liam told me to do it.”

“Excuse me? What the fuck are you talking about, Louis? Liam and I were in this together, and now I’m the only one of us still in this hell. So please, don’t lie to me and say that Liam had anything to do with this.” Zayn turned onto his side, facing away from Louis. How dare he even say anything about this being Liam’s doing.

Louis sighed and touched Zayn’s side gently. “Look.” When Zayn huffed and turned back around, Louis handed him his phone.

_From: Liam_

_you have to help me louis please. zayn was gonna kill himself so i told him i would do it with him. i need you to come to his house tomorrow with the ambulance and help us. please lou?_

_To: Liam_

_of course, liam, let me know when you’re going_

_From: Liam_

_i’m on my way to zayn's house, hurry. i’ll text you when you need to come in._

_To: Liam_

_i’ll be outside waiting_

_From: Liam_

_come in now lou, he’s going fast!_

Zayn’s eyes were overflowing with tears. Liam had planned to have Zayn stay alive this whole time. He didn’t know if the ache in his heart was more from betrayal, guilt, or love. Because in this moment, he felt all of those when he thought about Liam.

“He left this for you.” Louis said quietly, handing Zayn a folded up piece of paper.

**Dear Zayn...**


	7. 7. Apology

**Dear Zayn,**

**Hi, babe. Uh, if you’re reading this right now, it means it worked. Sort of. I know you’re probably really pissed and maybe you even hate me right now, but I swear I have a good reason for this.**

**You deserve a full and happy life, Zayn. Yes, I know you always said that your life can only be happy if I’m in it, but even without me, you still have to try. I was actually hoping that we could make it together, that we could both live, but I guess things don’t always go as planned, right? Now, before you get upset and start saying how we said we’d end this together, just let me tell you why I decided to do this.**

**I said I’d die with you, because had you only died, I would have been dying soon after. But Zayn, we couldn’t have a life together, a family together, we couldn’t have lived happily together if we weren’t living. We both know what we really wanted was to live happily ever after with our perfect family. Well, we had to stay living to do that. So, I called Louis and told him about what we were planning. And I asked him to help us.**

**I know you probably think I did it like this I on purpose, with you being alive and me not, but I didn’t. When I told Lou to come, I asked him to try to keep us both alive. But I knew there was a pretty big chance that only one of us would be able to get help. So I told him if they could only work with one of us at a time, to make sure they got to you first.**

**Please don’t be too mad at me, okay? You mean the world to me, Zayn, and I had to keep you alive. I know you’re not gonna wanna stay now that I’m gone, but please try? For me? I gave Louis money that I took from Ruth and Nicola for you. That’s why he’s there. Not to like, give you the money and leave, but Louis promised me he’d help you feel better. So, I don’t want you to have to go back to your parents and deal with them anymore… And that’s where Louis comes in.**

**You’re gonna go live with Louis, okay? Louis family isn’t like our families were, his family is accepting and loving and they’ll be good to you. And don’t worry about thinking you’re bothering him or anything, he’s the one that offered to do this for us. Louis is gonna keep you safe and happy, so don’t fight him on it, okay?**

**I love you so much, Zayn. And I’m waiting for you. But live your life, please. Don’t cut your time short, don’t give up. Just stick with Louis and be happy, I don’t wanna see you here for a long time, you don’t deserve to be ripped from your life so early. Live it through and live it good. Live for both of us, yeah?**

**I almost forgot. I know you’re thinking about school and all, but don’t worry about that. I paid for you to go to school online. So you’ll be home and still get your diploma and it’ll be just like normal, only on the computer and away from all of those assholes at the school. And after school, I want you to go to Uni. Like I said, a full life, Zayn.**

**I love you, so much. I always will love you, but don’t let that stop you from anything. If you find someone that makes you happy, be with them and be happy. All I ask is that you don’t forget me, okay?**

**Sorry for putting you through this and sorry I couldn’t be there with you anymore, but you’ll be perfectly fine, babe.**

**This is your eternity. I promised.**

**I love you.**

**Liam xx**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Liam's letter to Zayn.


	8. Epilogue

“You ready, babe?” The older one asked his boyfriend, putting a calming hand on his thigh. He could see that he was trembling and he understood why.

Nodding, the younger boy took a deep breath. “Yeah. I’m a little nervous, though. It’s been a year today.”

“I know… But don’t worry, I’m here if you need me.” He leaned over to kiss his boyfriend softly, smiling when he felt some of the tension leave his muscles. “Come on, now. You’ve got the flowers?”

The two boys got out of the car and walked over the leaf covered stone path. The younger one grabbed his boyfriends in his hand that wasn’t holding the bouquet of bright red flowers. They made it to the spot and shared a sad look.

“Go on, babe. I’ll stay right here until you need me.” The older boy pushed his boyfriend forward gently, watching with a sad smile as he sat down on the green grass.

“Uh, hi, Liam.” He rubbed his hand over his face nervously. “Me as in Zayn. I mean, you probably knew that, right? I’m sorry, a bit nervous. Um, I brought you flowers, a bunch of different kinds in red because you love red. Well, loved. Shit, I don’t know.” He looked back at the boy that was with him for reassurance, smiling and turning back when he got an encouraging nod.

“I’m sorry it’s been a year and I’m just now visiting. I didn’t think I’d be able to come before now. I’m scared about it now, but I just… I had to come and see you.” Zayn’s voice cracked and he took a deep, calming breath. “I wasn’t ready before, I wouldn’t have made it this year had I came before, so please don’t be mad at me?”

He sat quietly, thinking about how Liam would tell him that he could never be mad at him at this moment. Laughing to himself, Zayn continued. “Speaking of making it, I’ve made it an entire year without you here with me, Li. It’s bittersweet, really. Like, I’m a love and pretty happy and getting better everyday. But then you aren’t here and it’s hard.” Zayn wiped away a tear, and then ran his hand down the tombstone that read ‘R.I.P Liam Payne, the love of my life. I’ll live for us both.’

“God, I miss you, Liam.” Zayn’s voice got low and raspy, tears falling steadily from his eyes. “It was so hard to do this, live without you. So many times, I wanted to just end it all. I cried so much. All the pain my parents put me through was nothing compared to the pain of not having you. But I did it for you, because you said you wanted me to live. I made a promise to myself that just the way you gave me eternity, I would use that eternity for all it was worth and stay alive. ANd I couldn’t have done it without Louis.” Zayn looks back at Louis who’s still standing where he promised to wait for Zayn.

“He’s been so good to me, Liam. Without him, I would have never made it, he kept me sane as best he could. And I know you told me to find someone to be with and all, but I’m terrified to tell you this. But I did find someone. And that someone happens to be Louis. He was there for me and he helped and it just happened, I hope you aren’t mad?” Again, Zayn knew that if Liam was there, he wouldn’t be mad at all.

Zayn sighed, staring longingly at Liam’s tombstone. “I went back to my house when they released me from the hospital, and Ruth and Nicola were there. They were talking to my mom and dad, and when I walked in, everyone was yelling at me. I was so scared, Li. But Louis came in and he told them all to shut the fuck up. Then he took me to my room and helped me pack before we went back to his house. And you were right, his family is amazing! They took me in like I was their own, especially his sisters.”

And the babies, Doris and Ernest, are the cutest little things ever. They made me want kids even more than I already did. So, Louis and I talked, and we decided that maybe we’ll adopt after Uni or something. And we decided we’d get a boy, and name him Liam James Malik. Malik because Louis said he would be like the son you and I never got to have, so he wanted him not to have his last name.”

Zayn knew he was rambling, but it’s been a year of not having Liam and he just wanted to talk to him as much as he could.

“ We also decided to leave the UK and go to Uni in the States. It was my idea, because I feel like I just need to be away from here. Like, there’s just so many bad memories here. Everything except for you is bad for me here, and I just feel like leaving would be best. Louis was the one who pitched the idea, and it took some time, but he finally convinced me that it’d be the best thing. So, we applied to a nice Uni in California, and we’re gonna get an apartment and live together there.”

Zayn smiled, thinking of the plans he and Louis had made for their coming summer and future. “I’m scared, but I think it’ll go well.” Zayn took a deep breath, turning and calling Louis over to where he was.

“Hey, Li.” Louis said quietly, sitting down next to Zayn. “I took care of him like you asked, better than any of us expected, I bet.” The two of them laughed and Zayn leaned his head on Louis’ shoulder. “We miss you, Liam. Especially Zayn. Sometimes, he just spaces out and gets so sad. And it honestly scares me. But he gets better and we just sit around and talk about you, you calm him down. Even now, you’re still the most important thing in his life. It’s amazing to see how happy he gets when he talks about you.” Louis kissed the top of Zayn’s head and stood up. “Ready?” He asks Zayn.

“Give me a minute.” Louis nods, going to start the car as he waits for Zayn. Zayn turns back to Liam’s tombstone and sighs. “I miss you, so so much, Li. But I’m happier now, so thank you for giving me that chance. I hope, wherever you are, that you’re doing good and you haven’t forgot about me. Because I know I’ll never forget about you, you still have my heart. Louis is only borrowing it for a bit, as he puts it.” Zayn stand up and leans to rub the top of the head stone. “Alright, Li, I gotta go. Thank you, and I love you so much. I’ll be sure to come see you before we leave for America. Bye, babe.”

And Zayn walks away from the grave, getting back into the car with Louis. “Don’t cry, Zayn. He wouldn’t want you to cry.”

Zayn takes a deep breath and wipes his eyes. “You’re right.”

XXX

**Liam smiles down at the site of his love and Louis sitting and talking to his head stone. He thanks Louis everyday for making Zayn happy and keeping him alive.**

**He’s happy for Zayn, he’s finally happy the way he’s always deserved to be. When Zayn get’s up to leave, Liam says, “I love you, babe. For all of eternity.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read this and all! I enjoyed it, even though it was agonizing to write!


End file.
